Be Responsible When Accepting Foster To Adopt Placements
I stumbled across a blog post from an adoption website a couple of months ago that summed up in a nutshell the type of desperate situations adoptive parents sometimes find themselves in. This was posted on a public forum--I have removed the poster's name, nonetheless to respect her privacy.
"Last year, my husband and I became first time parents to a little girl, age 18 mos, who was referred to us as a happy healthy child from the foster care system. Over the next 6 mos, our lives crumbled as it became clear that our child is severely mentally and emotionally damaged. Some of her labels came to include RAD, PDD, FASD...but what really affected us was the fact that we had dozens of professionals who told us she was too young and too sick to be helped."
Wow. What a heart wrenching post. It actually got worse--describing a child who violently attacked both people and pets and seemed to feel no emotion at all. I don't write about this or point it out to scare prospective parents away, only to help prepare them emotionally for what could be ahead.
Children with the label of RAD can be anywhere on a broad spectrum, ranging from mildly to severely affected. Like autism, some kids can live normal and productive lives and others seem to be forever trapped in emotional limbo. Fortunately, many parents are realizing that kids with attachment issues need to be approached with extreme kindness and understanding in order to heal.
I believe the mother I quoted tried to do that, based on the rest of her post--maybe she didn't have the support she needed to see the adoption through to the point of healing because her and her husband decided they couldn't handle the placement. In any case, stories like hers are not as rare as we would like to think and pre-adoptive parents need to seriously consider what they can handle before they accept a placement.
Caseworkers are required by law to tell you the truth if you ask a specific question. They are not required to reveal information you do not specifically ask about. This means the ones is on you to ask the right questions and do your homework. Most caseworkers won't lie, but they may not mention all the facts because their case load is too high and they are exhausted from trying to find places for these kids to land.
Here are some questions to post by the phone in the event your caseworker calls with a possible foster/adopt opportunity.
How many placements has this child had?
Will we be required to stay in occasional contact with bio family members after adoption finalization?
Has this child been sexually abused?
Does she/he have any siblings?
May I speak with her current foster parents before I make a decision?
Are there any behavioral, physical, or emotional special needs I should know about?
Although this isn't a comprehensive list, it is a good example of the kinds of questions pre-adoptive parents should be asking. Do not think you are doing a child a disservice by not accepting them into your home. If you cannot deal with the kinds of issues that child has, and you end up sending her back because of it, that is far more damaging and you can help prevent such a situation by asking good questions.
"Last year, my husband and I became first time parents to a little girl, age 18 mos, who was referred to us as a happy healthy child from the foster care system. Over the next 6 mos, our lives crumbled as it became clear that our child is severely mentally and emotionally damaged. Some of her labels came to include RAD, PDD, FASD...but what really affected us was the fact that we had dozens of professionals who told us she was too young and too sick to be helped."
Wow. What a heart wrenching post. It actually got worse--describing a child who violently attacked both people and pets and seemed to feel no emotion at all. I don't write about this or point it out to scare prospective parents away, only to help prepare them emotionally for what could be ahead.
Children with the label of RAD can be anywhere on a broad spectrum, ranging from mildly to severely affected. Like autism, some kids can live normal and productive lives and others seem to be forever trapped in emotional limbo. Fortunately, many parents are realizing that kids with attachment issues need to be approached with extreme kindness and understanding in order to heal.
I believe the mother I quoted tried to do that, based on the rest of her post--maybe she didn't have the support she needed to see the adoption through to the point of healing because her and her husband decided they couldn't handle the placement. In any case, stories like hers are not as rare as we would like to think and pre-adoptive parents need to seriously consider what they can handle before they accept a placement.
Caseworkers are required by law to tell you the truth if you ask a specific question. They are not required to reveal information you do not specifically ask about. This means the ones is on you to ask the right questions and do your homework. Most caseworkers won't lie, but they may not mention all the facts because their case load is too high and they are exhausted from trying to find places for these kids to land.
Here are some questions to post by the phone in the event your caseworker calls with a possible foster/adopt opportunity.
How many placements has this child had?
Will we be required to stay in occasional contact with bio family members after adoption finalization?
Has this child been sexually abused?
Does she/he have any siblings?
May I speak with her current foster parents before I make a decision?
Are there any behavioral, physical, or emotional special needs I should know about?
Although this isn't a comprehensive list, it is a good example of the kinds of questions pre-adoptive parents should be asking. Do not think you are doing a child a disservice by not accepting them into your home. If you cannot deal with the kinds of issues that child has, and you end up sending her back because of it, that is far more damaging and you can help prevent such a situation by asking good questions.
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